12 examples from the past... careful - this is not for the politically correct!!!
1. LET'S PICK ON MEN ...
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating
your masterpiece.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
2.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back overand taps his wife again. This time he whispers
in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
3. BILL GATES
Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and
yet you created that ghastly Windows. "I'm going to do something I've
never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between
the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if
it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said
Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing
in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and
the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this
is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." God replied, "Let's go!" and
so off they went to Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting
about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing
as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his
decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you
desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to
see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured
by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish
and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What
happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh THAT!" said God. "That was the Screensaver."
4. POLITICS
Ein Sohn fragt den Vater: "Papi was ist eigentlich Politik?" Da sagt
der Vater: "Mein Sohn das ist ganz einfach. Sieh mal, ich bringe das
Geld nach Hause, also bin ich der Kapitalismus. Deine Mutter, die
verwaltet das Geld, also ist sie die Regierung. Unser Dienstmädchen
ist die Arbeiterklasse. Wir alle haben nur eins im Sinn, nämlich dein
Wohlergehen. Folglich bist Du das Volk und dein kleiner Bruder, der
noch in den Windeln liegt, ist die Zukunft. Hast du verstanden mein
Sohn?"
Der Kleine überlegt und bittet seinen Vater, dass er erst eine Nacht
darüber schlafen möchte. In der Nacht wird der kleine Junge wach,
weil der kleine Bruder in die Windeln gemacht hat und furchtbar brüllt.
Da er nicht weiß, was er machen soll, geht er zu den Eltern ins Schlafzimmer.
Da liegt aber nur seine Mutter und die schläft so fest, dass er sie
nicht wecken kann. So geht er weiter in das Zimmer des Dienstmädchens,
wo der Vater sich gerade mit selbigem verlustigt. Beide sind so in
Ekstase, das sie nicht mitbekommen, dass der kleine Junge vor ihrem
Bett steht. Also beschließt der Junge unverrichteter Dinge wieder
schlafen zu gehen.
Am nächsten Morgen fragt der Vater seinen Sohn, ob er nun mit eignen
Worten erklären kann, was Politik ist? "Ja!" antwortet der Sohn. "Der
Kapitalismus missbraucht die Arbeiterklasse, während die Regierung
schläft. Das Volk wird vollkommen ignoriert und die Zukunft liegt
voll in der Scheiße. Das ist Politik."
5. NASA
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist: Scientists at NASA have
developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the
chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped
the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall
of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists
for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the
chicken."
6. POPE
A priest took a walk to the pier down by the lake. A fisherman asked
him if he would like to join him in his boat. The priest agreed and
they rowed out to the middle of the lake. The priest threw in a line
and in no time hooked a huge fish. "Whoa," said the fisherman, "look
at that fucker!". "Please do not swear" said the priest. The fisherman
thought quickly and said that the fish was in actual fact called a
fucker fish. "Oh" said the priest, "I am sorry, I did not know that".
When they reached the shore, the priest took his large fish to show
the bishop. "Look at this fucker" said the priest and the bishop frowned.
"It's alright" said the priest, "that is what the fish is called".
"Well" replied the bishop, "in that case, I'll clean the fucker and
we can have it for dinner tonight". The bishop then cleaned the fish
and brought it to the Mother Superior.
"Sister" said the bishop, "could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?".
Goodness" exclaimed the Mother Superior "such foul language". "No
sister" he explained, "the fish is called a fucker. Can you cook it?".
"Yes" replied the sister, "I'll cook the fucker tonight".
Later that evening the Pope dropped by for dinner and after dinner
asked where they had got the fish. "I caught the fucker" said the
priest proudly. "I cleaned the fucker" said the bishop. "And I cooked
the big fucker" beamed the Mother Superior. After hearing this the
Pope paused for a moment, fixing them with a steely gaze and then
let out a huge fart, took off his hat, put his feet on the table,
lit up a cigar, poured himself a large whisky and said, "You know
what, you cunts are alright!!!".
7.1. SINGLE
Warum macht Sex mit dicken, häßlichen Frauen am meisten Spaß? Sie
geben sich so viel Mühe, weil Sie denken, es könnte das letzte Mal
sein...
7.2.
Eine junge Frau geht im Supermarkt einkaufen und hat an der Kasse
folgende Artikel im Korb: 1 Stück Seife, 1 Zahnbürste, 1 Tube Zahnpasta,
1 Pfund Brot, 1 Liter Milch, 1 Backofenpizza, 1 Joghurt. Der Kassierer
sieht die Frau an, lächelt und sagt: "Single, hä?" Die Frau lächelt
schüchtern zurück und fragt: "Wie haben Sie das bloß rausgefunden?"
Er antwortet: "Weil Sie so potthäßlich sind!"
8.
Frauen verraten Tricks, wie sie ihre Männer erziehen.
1. Brigitte aus Österreich: Also, ich sage zu meinem Peter: "Peter
ich werde dir deine Hemden nicht mehr bügeln!" Ich seh am 1.Tag nichts,
ich seh am 2. Tag nichts, am 3. Tag, siehe da, er bügelt seine Hemden.
Rasender Beifall der Kongressteilnehmerinnen.
2. Yvonne aus Paris: Ich sage zu meinem Jean: "Jean, ich nix mehr
pütz die Clo!" Ich seh 1. Tag nix, ich seh 2.Tag nix, am 3.Tag, voilà,
er pütz die Toilettes. Rasender Beifall.
3. Nun kommt Fatima aus Istanbul und sagt: Ich sag zu Achmed: "Achmed,
ich nix mehr koch. Ich seh 1.Tag nix, ich seh 2. Tag nix, ich seh
3. Tag nix, ich jetzt wieder ein bisschen seh mit linke Aug.
9. PATTERNS
Ein Zoologe, ein Sadist, ein Killer, ein Nekrophiler, ein Pyromane
und ein Masochist langweilen sich. "Mmmh was sollen wir mal machen?"
Sagt der Zoologe: "Holen wir uns einen Hund!". "Okay" sagt der Sadist
"holen wir uns einen Hund und quälen ihn!". Der Killer meint
"Super Idee, holen wir uns einen Hund, quälen ihn und dann wird
er gekillt!" "Geil" freut sich der Nekrophile. "Holen wir uns einen
Hund, quälen ihn, killen ihn und dann wird er gefickt!" "Au ja,
au ja" sagt der Pyromane," holen wir uns einen Hund, quälen ihn,
killen ihn, ficken ihn und dann wird er angezündet!" Sagt der Masochist:
"Wuff!"
10. ZEN SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow... neither, do not walk beside me...Just,
pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you are unique... Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.
11. BOTTLE OF WINE - A TOUCHING STORY ALL WOMEN WILL ADORE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married,
or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the
next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one
of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks,
the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain
to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just
sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every
little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown
bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The
Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with
the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.
12. BLOND
Ein junger, begabter Bauchredner tritt in Abendlokalen auf. Eines
Nachts zeigt er seine Kunst im Gasthaussaal eines kleinen Ortes auf
dem Lande. Mit seiner Rednerpuppe auf seinem Knie, bringt er sein
gewohntes Repertoire an Blondinen-Witzen.
Einer jungen, hübschen Blondine, in der vierten Reihe wird das nach
einer kurzen Weile zu bunt. Sie steht auf und protestiert lautstark:
'Ich habe nun genug von ihren blödsinnigen Blondinenwitzen gehört.
Wie können sie es wagen, alle Blondinen in diese stereotype Dümmlichkeitsmaske
hineinzwängen zu wollen?! Was hat die Farbe des Haares mit dem Wert
einer Person als menschliches Wesen zu tun? Es sind Kerle wie Sie,
die verhindern, dass Frauen wie ich im Arbeitsumfeld und Gemeinwesen
respektiert werden und somit nicht das volle Potential der möglichen
persönlichen Entwicklung erlangen. Sie und Ihresgleichen verewigen
die Diskriminierung nicht nur der blonden, sondern aller Frauen generell
und das noch dazu unter dem Deckmantel des Humors!'
Dem Bauchredner ist die Szene ungemein peinlich... Er beginnt sich
zu entschuldigen, aber die Blonde schreit ihn an: 'Sie halten sich
da raus! Ich spreche mit dem Arschloch, das auf Ihrem Knie sitzt!'
13. WAL-MART AGAIN
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany
her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate,
my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior
and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints
against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented
by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the
floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her
in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive
a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management
getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the
company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried
to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which
twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave
me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously
while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced
his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk
and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's
no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by
a delusional, illogical
minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media,
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to
pick up a
piece of turd by the clean end.
These are examples, some of our jokes maybe worse,
so only if you can stand this kind of humor, and promise, NEVER to
complain, please register here
:-)
Peters black humour newsletter will come approximetely once every
week, depending on my time. It is noncommercial and free of charge
to make you smile. I appreciate if you mail in jokes for distribution.
Merci!!!
Peter